What is fear? I have often asked myself. So a few years back, I took a radical step and found myself in the middle of a cemetary where i decided to spend the whole night. Was I expecting to find something fearful or was it the very thought of being in company of the dead? The dead arent interested in scaring the alive. Arent they happy to be free of us evil mortals? I guess they are.
But while I was there, the hair at the back of my neck kept standing. Was there something around or was my brain actually playing games with me wanting me to believe or live the emoiton of fear. Nevertheless the hair still standing and the goose bumps kept coming over and over again. I tried really hard to keep this physical reaction away from my own perception of what i was "supposed" to feel. And I did succeed, to a certain extent. What I had in mind was to be able to record as to what all is happening to my physical being while I was feeling a certain emotion. Goose bumps and standing hair.
In the recent past, I found myself at the Pune snake farm. It was a conscious decision to go and spend some time with snakes. The manager of the farm asked me as to why I was there. Did I love snakes so much that I would want to study them? I like snakes but am not too adventurous about them. I remember trying to save a snake from being killed by sticks. When I reached the scene of action, I revolted to the very idea of killing a living thing. Very conveniently and fast, all the people moved aside and told me to take care of it else the snake os dead. Oh dear, talk about the foot IN the mouth disease. I knew nothing of snakes then and am not too taped up even now. The very thought of being incharge of saving the snake made my body quiver and my muscles tight. After calling a snake expert in Bagalore and describing the snake, a kind soul and me chased the snake around pots and water pipes in the lawn of the hotel I was staying in. Finally, I was able to thrown a cloth over the spineless univited guest and immediately grabbed the head. I was shitting bricks. What the snake expert told me was that this chap was not poisonous. What if he was wrong.I saw the snake, he didnt! While I carried this guy away to a safe spot, the snake was trying to squeeze itself out of my grip. For the first time in my life, i experienced real power. raw power! where did the fear go? It slipped away and respect entered. Anyway, coming back to the snake farm, my answer to the manager stunned him. I was there to study as to how does the physical body respond to an external stimuli which instinctively lets out adrenaline from all glands, not only one. There were kids, men and ladies who were around a pit with atleast 1200 snakes. Snakes of all shapes and sizes. The manager found my presence rather interesting because he insisted on showing off the snakes to everybody by casually catching hold of them and roaming around with them. There was a moment when he got the snake very close to me. I was breathing in rhythm to see if that took care of the fear. The snake and I were a few inches away from each other, looking straight into my eye; even if they are blind. I was more interested in observing myself with the snake at the moment. I stuck my tongue to the hard palate, shut my mouth and breathed. What came as a pleasant surprise was that all my muscles relaxed in my body, a smile from ear to ear as the snake and me looked straight into each other. Almost through each other. Quite a divine experience for the lack of a better phrase. So two experiences with the snakes: Quivering body and muscles tightening.
Another experience: I have always believed that I am very open to presences or paranormal existences. And I have! everytime there is something that is there but we cant see, my body will always tell me about it. Instinct, i guess! I happened to reach Delhi late at night a few months back. I was travelling from Pune. As I entered my parents place, I immediately started to move around with my neck looking around the house. My footsteps led me to the drawing room; a favourite place (based on past experiences) for presences. As I entered the space, I felt that there was something that was not supposed to be there. So I decided to spend the night in the drawing room. Maybe two nights. Wise decision, was it? I dont know. But I was scared. Another thing I noticed that as I feared for what I couldnt see, waves of electricity were going through my body. Fear waves. I had no control on them. Even the breathing seemed to give up. The only way to deal with this was to confront what was there but could not be seen. So I chanted and spoke to myself, to the walls, to what was there, to the carpets etc. The motive was not to distract my mind but to be able to look into the eyes of what couldnt be seen. There was something for sure as I felt a cold, rather unnatural, gusts of air blowing around in the room. Was it testing me or was I testing it? :) My body relaxed as I came to terms with the fact that I was scared; scared of not being attacked because that is not possible but of not being able to see.
I was talking to a few people about fear and they also mentioned that they go into a giggling fit or some form of hysteria everytime they are scared or fear something. Others have experienced goose bumps. What do you feel? Please record your responses the next time you feel fearful and put down your comments. You neednt have to face snakes or what you dont see or anything to that degree but the small moments during the course of the day.
No comments:
Post a Comment